People sometimes inevitably get angry because of certain things. This is a complex emotion, and if not handled properly, it can damage relationships and even lead to conflicts. For parents, dealing with their children’s anger can often feel challenging. Now, experts have shared effective ways to address this issue. Just by saying a short phrase when a child is angry, they will immediately calm down, regardless of their age.
American psychologist and author Jeffrey Bernstein wrote on Psychology Today that anger is one of the most complex emotions children need to manage. For parents, dealing with a frustrated or angry child can also be challenging.
Bernstein gave examples of situations like toddlers throwing toys, elementary school kids stomping their feet, teenagers rolling their eyes, or adult children blaming you for past mistakes. How you respond in these tense moments can either escalate or calm down the conflict.
According to Bernstein, based on his experience guiding parents, a simple phrase can effectively calm the anger of children of any age. The phrase is, “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.”
This seemingly simple phrase holds profound psychological power. It accomplishes three things – (1) validating their feelings, (2) reassuring them that they are not alone, and (3) creating space for them to calm down without feeling judged.
Bernstein analyzed why this phrase is effective:
– It validates their feelings. Bernstein mentioned in his book “10 Days to a Less Defiant Child” that whether your child is 5 or 25 years old, when they are angry, they often feel misunderstood, ignored, or powerless. Stating “I see you’re upset right now” lets them know that their emotions matter, preventing their feelings from escalating when they feel no one is listening.
– It provides comfort instead of resistance. Bernstein advises against saying things like “calm down!” or “stop overreacting!” to correct children but to use the phrase he provided, as it can make them believe you are there for them. Anger often masks underlying feelings of fear, sadness, or frustration.
– It invites care rather than control. People resist control, especially when they are confused. Telling them what to do at their angriest moments can make them more stubborn. By just showing up and expressing support, you can turn a power struggle into an opportunity for care.
Bernstein cited several successful cases of using this phrase to defuse children’s anger. In one case, a 15-year-old girl named Sienna stormed into the house, threw her backpack down, and said, “I can’t stand my teacher!” Instead of responding with phrases like “watch your attitude,” her father said, “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.” Sienna rolled her eyes, but her emotions did not escalate. Later, she openly talked about feeling unfairly treated.
When using this phrase, Bernstein suggests a few tips:
– Stay calm – Your tone is crucial. Say it with warmth rather than sadness.
– Use gentle body language – Lower yourself to speak to young children, leaving room for teenagers or adults to maneuver if needed.
– Give them time – They may not respond immediately, but they will listen.
– Follow up when they are ready – Help them deal with emotions and seek solutions after they have calmed down.
Bernstein concludes that while this phrase may not magically eliminate every meltdown or moment of anger, it lays the foundation for trust, emotional regulation, and care. Over time, no matter how old your child is, they will know that even in their worst moments, you are a safe harbor for them.